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352 pages, Mass Market Paperback
First published July 29, 2014
"Five years ago, when Evie had been diagnosed, Shelby couldn't even fathom doing that to her mother. She'd thought, stupidly, innocently, that she would be so much better than those people she'd been convinced were mistreating their parents. ...
It wasn't just a weight off her back; it was as if she could lift her head, look around and breathe for the first time in at least a year. But all she saw when she looked around was how far she had let herself and her mother slip."
"He wanted to believe no one had ever had her like this. Ever. Because he'd never been had like this. Ever. All the way. And it wasn't just sex, it was everything. Every single fucking thing about her."
"I love you. ... Did you hear me? Ty wanted to ask, feeling like somehow saying those words had cleared out part of him. Created a hole that needed if not filling, then at least acknowledgment. But he knew Casey had heard him. Maybe saying that had been too fast. Kind of like his big ultimatum to Shelby two weeks ago --- he'd ruined everything by rushing in. Forcing things that didn't need to be forced. And maybe it was unfair to expect more from Casey than what the kid could give."
As a child, in the face of her father's violent disapproval, she'd created this identity, this cold distance between herself and other people's opinions, in an act of defiant self-protection. Dad couldn't hurt her if she pretended not to care. Pretended she didn't need affection or approval.
And then no one could hurt her if she pretended she was above the messy needs and wants of the human heart. If she just buried what she wanted so deep they couldn't see it- so deep that even she forgot it.
It had been an abused and scared kid's way of coping.
And as a woman, she didn't even know how to change it.
In the heavy dark silence he left behind, she stacked and put away those small desires to be someone else, to want more than she had, and she got back to the business of being Shelby Monroe, Art Teacher. It was enough. And if sometimes she wanted to scream, or cry, or find some stranger to prove to her that she wasn't totally dead inside or invisible to the world, it was an urge she could easily overcome.
She had overcome worse.
There was no part of her that looked comfortable, as if she was enjoying this, and he wondered if maybe they shouldn't just leave things at filthy sex on the floor. But their lives were already brushing up against each other in a dozen places and, well, he didn't want to leave it at filthy sex on the floor.
He liked her.
Liked her awkwardness and her seriousness. He liked what she hid behind them. Suddenly, he wanted to see her smile. Hear that hooting laugh again.
In the truck, after the party, he'd told her that the two of them wanting each other wasn't something to be scared of. That whatever was happening wasn't a big deal, but then he saw her mother not remember who Shelby was. He saw Shelby broken wide open over the guilt and pain of her mother's accident and he'd been ruined.
At that moment Ty wanting Shelby had become profoundly a big deal, because he wanted to help her. He wanted more than just this nasty amazing sex in the barn, he wanted more than the freedom of her body. He wanted her to see him as more than a simple tool.
I'm falling in love with her.
"I am no one's dirty secret. And I won't be yours anymore."
But that was all she could give him. And she wanted it to be private. Secret. Not because she was ashamed of him, or thought less of him, but because her entire life she had kept the things she wanted very small and very secret,- so her father could not touch them.
Hot shame flooded her.
"But you mean more to me than the sex we've had, Shelby. I want more of your fierce heart and your secret smiles. Your loyalty and decency. I want to make you laugh until you hoot. I want to help you shoulder some of the load you've got because you've helped shoulder some of mine. I want to find out what you think and how you feel. I want to put you on the back of my bike and go for a ride. Lie down in a bed with you. I want to argue about what to watch on tv and... I want everything. Everything you have to give to a person, I want to be the man who gets it."
"I don't know how."
"Me neither."
"I thought I could break down all your doors," he told her. "I could break your locks and force my way in, but you'll always find more, won't you? Something bad will happen in our lives and I'll be right back on the outside looking for a way in."
Nearly imperceptibly, she nodded.
His heart, under the too bright lights, shattered against the flecked linoleum floor, right at her feet.
"I'm going to go." He jerked his thumb back down the hall toward his son's room.
"That's for the best," she told him.
And he would be going on without her.
Shelby understood that her instincts right now were wrong. That she was living out the programming her father had given her when she was too young to understand. Too young to know that he was sick.
Despite knowing all that, she stood outside Casey's hospital room and knew that this was her fault. The boy in there. Her mother in surgery. Ty's barely contained anger and grief. It was all her fault.
Because for a little bit, she'd been happy.
"When I'm with you it's like I'm the person I'm supposed to be and I want that."