- Sheldon Cooper: [Opens Penny's gift] Oh, a napkin...
- Penny: Turn it over.
- Sheldon Cooper: [Reading] "To Sheldon: Live long and prosper... Leonard Nimoy!"
- Penny: He came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin's dirty - he wiped his mouth with it.
- Sheldon Cooper: [Face twitching excitedly] I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?
- Penny: Yeah, yeah, I guess, but look, he signed it.
- Sheldon Cooper: [Now shaking with excitement] Do you realize what this means? All I need is a healthy ovum and I could grow my own Leonard Nimoy!
- Penny: Okay, all I'm giving you is the napkin, Sheldon.
- [last lines]
- Penny: [after Sheldon gives her several gift baskets] Sheldon, what did you do?
- Sheldon Cooper: I know! It's not enough, is it? Here...
- [gingerly hugs Penny]
- Penny: Leonard, look! Sheldon's hugging me!
- Leonard Hofstadter: It's a Saturnalia miracle!
- Penny: [after the tale of Saturnalia] Okay, well, thank you for that, but I got you and Leonard a few silly neighbor gifts, so I'll just put them under my tree.
- Sheldon Cooper: Wait! You bought me a present?
- Penny: Uh-huh.
- Sheldon Cooper: Why would you do such a thing?
- Penny: I don't know. 'Cause its Christmas?
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, Penny. I know you think you are being generous, but the foundation of gift giving is reciprocity. You haven't given me a gift. You've given me an obligation.
- Howard Wolowitz: Don't feel bad, Penny, it's a classic rookie mistake. My first Hanukah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights.
- Penny: Now, hey, it's okay. You don't have to get me anything in return.
- Sheldon Cooper: Of course I do. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me. It's no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.
- Penny: Okay, you know what? Forget it. I'm not giving you a present.
- Sheldon Cooper: No, it's too late. I see it. That elf sticker says, "To Sheldon." The die has been cast. The moving finger has writ. Hannibal has crossed the alps.
- Howard Wolowitz: [Raj then whispers into Howard's ear then they both laugh] I know. It's funny when it's not happening to us.
- Penny: [Exasperated] Sheldon, I am very, very sorry.
- Sheldon Cooper: No. No, I brought this on myself by being such an endearing and important part of your life.
- [Turning to Howard and Raj]
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm going to need a ride to the mall.
- Howard Wolowitz: It's happening to us.
- Penny: Hey Sheldon, are you and Leonard putting up a Christmas tress?
- Sheldon Cooper: No, because we don't celebrate the ancient pagan festival of Saturnalia.
- Penny: Saturnalia?
- Howard Wolowitz: Gather round, kids, it's time for Sheldon's beloved Christmas special.
- Sheldon Cooper: In the pre-Christian era, as the winter solstice approached and the plants died, pagans brought evergreen boughs into their homes as an act of sympathetic magic, intended to guard the life essences of the plants until spring. This custom was later appropriated by Northern Europeans and eventually it becomes the so-called Christmas tree.
- Howard Wolowitz: And that, Charlie Brown, is what boredom is all about.
- Penny: How do you know Leonard?
- Dr. David Underhill: I'm a physicist.
- Penny: [laughing] No, you're not.
- Dr. David Underhill: Why is that so surprising?
- Penny: Well, it's just that the physicists I know are indoorsy and pale.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not indoorsy. I just wear the appropriate sunblock because I don't take melanoma lightly.
- Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, miss.
- Charlotte: Yes?
- Sheldon Cooper: If I were to give you this gift basket, based on that action alone and no other data, infer and describe the hypothetical relationship that exists between us.
- Charlotte: Excuse me?
- Sheldon Cooper: [Gives her the basket] Here. Now, are we friends? Colleagues? Lovers? Are you my grandmother?
- Charlotte: I don't understand what you're talking about, and you're making me a little uncomfortable.
- Howard Wolowitz: See? Sounds just like you and Penny. We'll take it.
- [after dismissing Dave's accomplishments, Leonard gushes when Dave wants to work with him]
- Leonard Hofstadter: What are you looking at? You've never seen a hypocrite before?
- [first lines]
- Sheldon Cooper: Your argument is lacking in all scientific merit. Now, it is well established Superman cleans his by flying into Earth's yellow sun, which incinerates any contaminant matter and leaves the invulnerable kryptonian fabric unharmed and daisy-fresh.
- Howard Wolowitz: What if he gets something kryptonian on it?
- Sheldon Cooper: Like what?
- Howard Wolowitz: I don't know. Kryptonian mustard.
- Sheldon Cooper: I think we can safely assume all Kryptonian condiments were destroyed when the planet Krypton exploded.
- Raj Koothrappali: Or it turned into mustard kryptonite, the only way to destroy a rogue kryponian hot dog threatening Earth.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Raj, please. Let's stay serious here.
- Penny: David was just showing me around the university. You know, this place is unbelievable.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I know. I've been offering to show you around for a year and a half. You always said you had yoga.
- Penny: I never said that.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Maybe I heard you wrong. A lot of words sound like yoga.
- Sheldon Cooper: Where were you that's more important than Wii Bowling night?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Actually, I was...
- Sheldon Cooper: It's a rhetorical question; there *is* nothing more important than Wii Bowling night.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Come on! It's just a video game. And we suck at it.
- Sheldon Cooper: [gasps] Nice motivational speech from the team captain.
- Howard Wolowitz: That doesn't count. Do-over, do-over!
- Sheldon Cooper: There are no do-overs in Wii Bowling.
- Howard Wolowitz: There are always do-overs when my people play sports.
- Sheldon Cooper: I don't see anything in here a woman would want.
- Howard Wolowitz: You're kidding! You've got lotions, and bath oils, and soaps. That's the estrogen hat trick!
- Sheldon Cooper: What it is is a cacophonous assault of eucalyptus, bayberry, cinnamon and vanilla. It's as if my head were trapped in the pajamas of a sultan.
- Raj Koothrappali: Sheldon, if you don't like this stuff, let's just go next door and build a bear.
- Sheldon Cooper: I told you before, bears are terrifying.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Look, the guy was just in the right place at the right time with the right paradigm-shifting re-interpretation of the universe; he got lucky.
- Leonard Hofstadter: So, um, Dave, don't you think you and I should get back to the lab? You know, that dark matter isn't going to detect itself.
- Dr. David Underhill: Actually, I was thinking about taking the afternoon off so I could work on another experiment with Penny.
- Penny: Really? We're, we're going to do an experiment.
- Dr. David Underhill: Uh-huh, we're going to explore the effects of tequila shots on a gorgeous 22-year-old woman.
- Penny: [laughs] That's not an experiment; you saw what happened last night.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I have just one question for you. While I am perfectly happy with the way things are between us, you said that you didn't want to go out with me because I was too smart for you. Well, newsflash, Lady. David Underhill is ten times smarter than me. You'd have to drive a railroad spike in his brain for me to beat him at checkers. Next to him, I am like one of those sign-language gorillas who knows how to ask for grapes. So my question is, what's up with that?
- Penny: [crying] Why are you yelling at me?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Sorry! I'm sorry I'm sorry. Never mind. We're cool.
- Penny: Dave is not smarter than you. He's an idiot.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [chuckling] Really? Why would you say that?
- Penny: Because. A smart guy takes the nude photos of his wife off his cell phone before he tries to take nude photos of his girlfriend.
- Leonard Hofstadter: He tried to take nude photos of you?
- Penny: [screaming] That's what you took from that? The guy is married!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh yeah. I'm sorr... oh, that's terrible!
- Penny: And you. If you are so okay with the way things are between us, why are you so jealous?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, tha... The important thing is he's married, and that's terrible!
- Penny: Nice save, genius.
- Howard Wolowitz: C'mon, bath stuff! It's perfect.
- [picks up basket]
- Howard Wolowitz: You got a scented candle, a cleansing burst, spearmint and green tea bath oil; promotes relaxation!
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, that pre-supposes Penny is tense.
- Raj Koothrappali: Oh, she knows you; she's tense. We all are.
- Dr. David Underhill: So you and her...
- Leonard Hofstadter: No, just neighbors.
- Dr. David Underhill: Really? I don't know how you live next door to that without doing something about it.
- Penny: Ooo, are you okay?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh yeah, it's just a little motorcycle accident.
- Penny: My God, how fast were you going?
- Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know, it's all such a blur.
- Dr. David Underhill: [laughs] Good one. He couldn't even get it started. Hi, Dave.
- Penny: Hi, Penny. Your motorcycle?
- Dr. David Underhill: Uh huh.
- Penny: Oh, is it okay?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Lucky for the bike, it landed on my leg.
- Raj Koothrappali: Trailing badly, Wolowitz needs a strike if he has any hopes of catching up with Sheldon Cooper, who is dominating in the 9th frame with a career best, 68.